@dshack8

Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.

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@Brentweets

Playing Guess Who these days is hard
“Is your person white?”
“Excuse me?”
“Is your person white?”
“I don’t see skin color I just see people”

@thenatewolf

The most unbelievable part about Sesame Street (a show with an 8 foot bird) is that there is only one grouch in the whole neighborhood.

@OneFunnyMummy

The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”

@better_off_dad

16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’

Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’

Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’

W: ‘What was that??’

@Ameiam

My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*

@yungshoelace

i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t

@yoyoha

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times lets face it you’re a jerk and I’m stupid

@DevilryFun

My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.