@dshack8

Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.

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@XplodingUnicorn

My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

@abhorrent_wife

There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[breakfast]

ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup

WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude

@rickolantern

Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.

@3sunzzz

M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you

@Playing_Dad

[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.

@runolgarun

*TSA officer opens my suitcase, disembodied fist pops out and punches him*
me: sry sir I forgot I packed a powerful punch
*TSA guns me down*