me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
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My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
doing some research
*TSA officer opens my suitcase, disembodied fist pops out and punches him*
me: sry sir I forgot I packed a powerful punch
*TSA guns me down*