87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
You Might Also Like
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.