@That_Damn_Duck

Hell hath no fury like woman tagged in a Facebook photo that makes her look fat.

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@just1fool

I wasn’t dancing. I was trying to connect to the wifi.

@JermHimselfish

I only star inspirational tweets from 15 year-old white girls, because they’ve obviously got the deepest insight into the human experience.

@Pappiness

Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.

@ch000ch

my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting

@sammyrhodes

Before you send that mass “Merry Christmas!” text don’t.

@RiIeyJokess

“Hey babe, you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.

@Bob_Janke

I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it

@orange_rhymer

[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?

@1par8head

Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…