I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
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Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.