computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
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You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
They’re really bad with fonts.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this