@BangMyBongo

Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children

You Might Also Like

@FredTaming

“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants

@wittwitbarista

See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?

That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.

@KyleMcDowell86

[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”

@Jam453Lane

I don’t know what I drank last night, but the vacuum is stuck on top of the house.

@ChickenFrecklez

Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”

@ianpauldukes

EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*

BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*

@Vice_Queen

[Blazing hot day]

Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.

~ My mom.

@brynnester

Me, an Astronaut: *home from mission*
Her: And so you’re back
Me: Do we have to do the Gloria Gaynor thing everytime?
Her: From outer space