“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
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boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Who called it a pharmacy and not a coughy shop?
I don’t know what I drank last night, but the vacuum is stuck on top of the house.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Me, an Astronaut: *home from mission*
Her: And so you’re back
Me: Do we have to do the Gloria Gaynor thing everytime?
Her: From outer space