Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
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I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles