Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
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My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I’m aging like a fine banana
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?