@HatfieldAnne: “He'll regret that shot till he's screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It's the reason I'm a fan.
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@sageboggs: ME: why am I always anxious? maybe watching TV will help- NEWS: IF THE HURRICANE DOESN'T KILL YOU, CLOWNS WILL
@AnkCoupleTO: [estate planning] Advisor: Have you thought about an end-of-life gift? Me: I'll be dead, that's a big enough gift for everyone
@ferranticathy: Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, "where's the toilet paper"
@ActuallyEmerson: Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.