[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
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A leaf blower, but for people.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.