Hell yeah 👍
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Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Me trying to reach for my goals
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.