Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
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I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.