i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
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My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Me trying to “trust the process”
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.