Every time you reach under the couch for something a giant spider must choose whether or not to give up its secure location.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
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“Good thing I guessed that today was probably a BYOB situation.”
-me, chaperoning the kindergarten field trip
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
When life gives you lemons…..
Facebook makes lemonade.
Twitter Makes Martinis.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Whenever I hear someone died of natural causes, I think, “Wait a minute. I have that.”
Kicked out of laser-tag for too many melee attacks.
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry