@MiahSaint

Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War

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@just1fool

Every time you reach under the couch for something a giant spider must choose whether or not to give up its secure location.

@BoozyMusic

“Good thing I guessed that today was probably a BYOB situation.”

-me, chaperoning the kindergarten field trip

@Freudianscript

When life gives you lemons…..

Facebook makes lemonade.
Twitter Makes Martinis.

@AimeeHelene1

Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.

It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.

@blade_funner

Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.

Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.

@JB4Realz

waiter: our special is only $7.99

mechanic: i’m a mechanic.

[seconds later]

waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.

mechanic: that’s too much.

waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.

@SteveMartinToGo

Whenever I hear someone died of natural causes, I think, “Wait a minute. I have that.”

@JediGigi

Him:You married?

Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?

H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-

M:SO I’M UGLY?

H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry