Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
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Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
i actually laughed 😩
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke