Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
You Might Also Like
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.