Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
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Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos