[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
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dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
(Electricians.)
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Aight bet
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
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( • – •) /
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/Expectation:
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( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.