“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
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Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Oh my God.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.