[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
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“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
That’s it.I’m out.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
I have never related to anyone more.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”