“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”

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No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.


When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”


[at the mechanic]

me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..

mechanic: that’s the horn


Daughter: goodnight Mama.

Wife: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Dada.

Me: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Moon.

Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.

Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.

Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.


Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”


[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”

BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!

“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”


During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.


Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.


“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”


Even though I’m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.