“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
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I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
*3.5 thank you very much.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
no refunds
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.