@GrantTanaka

“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”

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@ScaryMommy

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

@LaceyNycole

When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”

@mrjohndarby

[at the mechanic]

me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..

mechanic: that’s the horn

@NewDadNotes

Daughter: goodnight Mama.

Wife: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Dada.

Me: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Moon.

Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.

Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.

Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.

@HashtagAbdul

Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”

@Book_Krazy

[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”

BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!

“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”

@mejustbeth

During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.

@OutOfLeftField_

Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.

@UncleDuke1969

“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”

@MikeCanRant

Even though I’m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.