I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
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“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.