@CornOnTheGoblin

Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.

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@MelvinofYork

I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there

@JhonRules

When girls ask if I’m good in bed, I tell them “Of course, how hard is it to close your eyes and literally do nothing for 8 hours”.

@Ameiam

My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*

@raydevito

If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive

@JediGigi

Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.

@cwhudson

*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*

@Wine_Honey1

*gets sent nude selfie with messy bedroom in the background

Sorry to ruin the mood, but is that a half-eaten corn dog on your floor?

@koalaslament

DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.

@astutenewf

I wonder if when my dog follows me into the bathroom it’s cause I follow him outside when he goes and he thinks that’s how it works. Meh.

@GiantsofDiving

Does everyone get take ‘by mouth’ printed on their pills or did the pharmacist look me over and think hmm…this guy might go the other way?