Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
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WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
🙅🏻
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!