I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
You Might Also Like
When girls ask if I’m good in bed, I tell them “Of course, how hard is it to close your eyes and literally do nothing for 8 hours”.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
*gets sent nude selfie with messy bedroom in the background
Sorry to ruin the mood, but is that a half-eaten corn dog on your floor?
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
I wonder if when my dog follows me into the bathroom it’s cause I follow him outside when he goes and he thinks that’s how it works. Meh.
Does everyone get take ‘by mouth’ printed on their pills or did the pharmacist look me over and think hmm…this guy might go the other way?