HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
You Might Also Like
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will