How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
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Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Her: I can’t believe how good of a listener you are! What’s your secret?
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
I find that making meetings take less than 15 minutes and making sex last longer than 15 minutes elicit very similar responses
I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.
*6yo comes out with dripping wet face*
Me: what did you do?
6: my brother dared me to dip my face in the toilet water