@carlyken

Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori

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@beccafacexo

How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.

@Cheeseboy22

Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.

@BuckyIsotope

A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.

@ShortSleeveSuit

REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:

Thorothy

Captain Caillou

Aunt Man

Backfat

Iron Jan

Thanus

@drinksmcgee

Her: I can’t believe how good of a listener you are! What’s your secret?
Me: Percocets.

@dumbbeezie

Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die

@portmanteauface

I find that making meetings take less than 15 minutes and making sex last longer than 15 minutes elicit very similar responses

@bambimygirl

I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.

@monica_L1257

*6yo comes out with dripping wet face*
Me: what did you do?
6: my brother dared me to dip my face in the toilet water

*speechless*