no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
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Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.