One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
You Might Also Like
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.