Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
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*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
When God closes a door, He opens a window. God does not give a shit about your electric bill.
Why is your ass split vertically?
Because if it was split horizontally it would clap when you’re going down the stairs.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Trump’s foreign policy answers sound like a book report from a teenager who hasn’t read the book. “Oh, the grapes! They had so much wrath!”
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time