“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
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If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.