This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
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Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost