This week on Twitter, i have talked to a cartoon bunny, a baby duck, a platypus that only speaks in haiku, tons of catfish and a chicken in a fox suit. So don’t tell me these drugs aren’t working.
“whats your emergency”
there’s someone in my home
“are you safe?”
it’s a girl
“do you like her”
*starts twirling hair*
I dont know
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HER: I want to have sex so badly
ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!
Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church