leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
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I’m kind of clueless about pop culture. I thought “Hogwarts” was an STD
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Her: Let’s read your horoscope… Do you believe in astrology?
Me: No. That’s such a scam. Well, at least that’s what my psychic says.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Woman on CNN talking about London’s streets being eerily quiet. Mate, it’s Sunday. They’re not cowering in fear, they’re having a lie in.
A spider crawled on my son’s hand today. I did what any father would do. I mean, Luke Skywalker seems like a productive member of society.
Just by reading the Marilyn Monroe quote you’re already handling them at their worst