@daemonic3

Hello 911?

“What’s your emergency?”

You work in a building?

“Yes”

Inside?

“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”

So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!

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@orange_rhymer

[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-

@steviethek

I’m kind of clueless about pop culture. I thought “Hogwarts” was an STD

@Reverend_Scott

WIFE: Please stop.

ME: Stop what?

WIFE: Singing in the shower.

ME: What’s the big deal?

WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.

@iwearaonesie

*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*

@djdarrellripley

Her: Let’s read your horoscope… Do you believe in astrology?

Me: No. That’s such a scam. Well, at least that’s what my psychic says.

@ronnui_

Head Chef: You’re fired.

Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-

Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.

@KyleMcDowell86

I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna

@merseytart

Woman on CNN talking about London’s streets being eerily quiet. Mate, it’s Sunday. They’re not cowering in fear, they’re having a lie in.

@girl_a_whirl

A spider crawled on my son’s hand today. I did what any father would do. I mean, Luke Skywalker seems like a productive member of society.

@YourTextSpoken

Just by reading the Marilyn Monroe quote you’re already handling them at their worst