@DanMentos

“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed

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@Peauxtassium

Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s

@ch000ch

[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.

@Amazon_Blonde

No beer or Snacks?!? WORST. PARTY. EVER.

Family: uh…this is an Intervention

Me: LAME, look, Grandmas so bored she’s crying

@UncleDuke1969

COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”

@KentWGraham

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

@generaldietz

Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.

Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*

Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.

@bransonbranson

*puts on satin, full length pajamas for men, slips into bed* yes… time to text some girls the word ‘hey’ and only the word ‘hey’

@daemonic3

MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!

@pixelatedboat

You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products