“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
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Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth