Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
wait did u say 912?
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
my neighbor got stabbed
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[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
No beer or Snacks?!? WORST. PARTY. EVER.
Family: uh…this is an Intervention
Me: LAME, look, Grandmas so bored she’s crying
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
*puts on satin, full length pajamas for men, slips into bed* yes… time to text some girls the word ‘hey’ and only the word ‘hey’
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products