hello and welcome to Fantasy Football *Dumbledore passes ball to Frodo* *Gandalf intercepts football and eats it*

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If your Prius was a transformer his name would be Fagatron


Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash


“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”

*nervous glance at dog

Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend


I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.


[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?


We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.

“How about Radio Shack?”



I don’t want to lock my account because I like to help my X’s feel better about themselves when they check in & make sure I’m still a drunk.


I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.