If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.