What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
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me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
black phone good
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred