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@samuelhlowe

Chasing a Pringles can down a slope is the closest I’ve ever been to hunting my own food.

@rockymomax

EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: what shall we worship?

EGYPTIAN KING: cats

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.

@SondraDeeMe

[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.

@Havish_AF

Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.

@Donna_McCoy

The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”

@_making_friends

I’m currently between relationships.

The couple on my right are kissing and I think the couple on my left are about to start doing it.

@chaselyons

doctor: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes