Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
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Girl, are you a homeless horse? Because you look unstable.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
50% Forrest Gump
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Shouldn’t Godzilla be fighting Satanzilla?