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Chasing a Pringles can down a slope is the closest I’ve ever been to hunting my own food.


EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: what shall we worship?



Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.


SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.


Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.


The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”


I’m currently between relationships.

The couple on my right are kissing and I think the couple on my left are about to start doing it.


doctor: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes