Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
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No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them