USA: “Hey, Canada, can you hold this for a second?”
*USA hands Detroit to Canada*
*USA quickly walks away.*
Hello couchness my old friend
I’ve come to sleep on you again
Because a wife softly seething
Hates the fact that I’m breathing
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Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
Winter is great because it gets dark earlier and you can get a head start on your shady activities.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Me: Good night, moon.
[30 mins later]
Moon: I thought you went to bed. I saw you favorite that tweet. Why aren’t you reading my messages?
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels