Hello couchness my old friend
I’ve come to sleep on you again
Because a wife softly seething
Hates the fact that I’m breathing

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USA: “Hey, Canada, can you hold this for a second?”
Canada: “OK.”
*USA hands Detroit to Canada*
*USA quickly walks away.*


Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.


Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
[Priest faints]


Winter is great because it gets dark earlier and you can get a head start on your shady activities.


I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.


ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?

HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops


Me: Good night, moon.

[30 mins later]

Moon: I thought you went to bed. I saw you favorite that tweet. Why aren’t you reading my messages?


Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.