Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.

You Might Also Like


Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.


ME: [forgetting the name of someone I went to school with for years] Hey… man!

ME: [watching GoT] That’s Randyll Tarly, Samwell’s father.


Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list


I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal


Mom: Where’re you going?

Me: To dinner with my friends!

Mom: Your friends?

Me: I’m going to use McDonalds’ free Wifi to get on twitter…


[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*


Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.


My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.