Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
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video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*