@AllanForsyth

Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.

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@Cunda22

Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.

@thenatewolf

ME: [forgetting the name of someone I went to school with for years] Hey… man!

ME: [watching GoT] That’s Randyll Tarly, Samwell’s father.

@junejuly12

Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list

@WheelTod

I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal

@shkeeber

Mom: Where’re you going?

Me: To dinner with my friends!

Mom: Your friends?

Me: I’m going to use McDonalds’ free Wifi to get on twitter…

@Ideal_Victoria

[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*

@SuperRandomish

Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.

@ericsshadow

My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.