@AllanForsyth

Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.

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@jake_lach

She’s like a cat. I don’t mean in bed, she just ignores me

@krisv_723

Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.

@stevevsninjas

The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.

@fro_vo

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs

@VolatileVani

I’m outside my kid’s door, listening to him and his friends rank hot moms & I’m apparently second so now I guess I have to kill Billy’s mom.

@boring_as_heck

“hey we use animals for literally everything else in our lives. lets use our feet for cars.” idiot flintstones. no wonder you’re extinct.

@shanethevein

Want followers? Tweet something funny.

Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.

Can’t say anything honest or funny?

Try Facebook.

@1oftheKates

*Opens Fortune Cookie*
‘We’ve updated our Privacy Policy’

@kristensauce

Things Red Bull has given me:
1) jitters
2) diarrhea
3) a heart attack

Things Red Bull has not given me:
1) wings

@nthall350

The iPhone 8 probably won’t even have a phone in it.