Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
You Might Also Like
ME: [forgetting the name of someone I went to school with for years] Hey… man!
ME: [watching GoT] That’s Randyll Tarly, Samwell’s father.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Mom: Where’re you going?
Me: To dinner with my friends!
Mom: Your friends?
Me: I’m going to use McDonalds’ free Wifi to get on twitter…
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.