@quintywinties
@brynnester
[Driving Lesson]
“You’ve been learning a few weeks now”
Me:Yes
“Progress has been slow”
Me:Yes
“Perhaps it’s time you sat up front with me?”
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@brynnester
@DrakeGatsby
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
@InternetHippo
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
@iinkedZombie
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
@lilgapeach30
Make fun of my footy pajamas if you must, but all you naked sleepers are gonna be up shit creek if your house catches on fire in the night.
@senorwinces
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
@AnkCoupleTO
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
@TribalSpaceCat
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
@underchilde
I was sad nobody would go jogging with me, so I threw a rock at my neighbor, and when he started chasing me I felt much better.
@justokpanda
Even the muddiest puddle reflects the beauty of the sky if you look at it from the right angle. I fell in 5 puddles today verifying this,