Hello darkness my old friend, I fell and broke the lamp again

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I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.


You don’t serve tuna do you?

“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”

*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*


Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.


[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together


After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.


Kristen Stewart always looks like she just found out she was adopted.


ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie

THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?

ME: Oh yeah


My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white


Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues