Hello darkness my old friend, I fell and broke the lamp again

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[Driving Lesson]
“You’ve been learning a few weeks now”
“Progress has been slow”
“Perhaps it’s time you sat up front with me?”


Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.

Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.


due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police


Judge: on what grounds?
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.


Make fun of my footy pajamas if you must, but all you naked sleepers are gonna be up shit creek if your house catches on fire in the night.


Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.


Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?

Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.


PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?


I was sad nobody would go jogging with me, so I threw a rock at my neighbor, and when he started chasing me I felt much better.


Even the muddiest puddle reflects the beauty of the sky if you look at it from the right angle. I fell in 5 puddles today verifying this,