@quintywinties

Hello darkness my old friend, I fell and broke the lamp again

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@christinaloca

I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.

@AlexRogaski

You don’t serve tuna do you?

“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”

*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*

@WilliamAder

Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.

@michael_raphone

[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together

@jellybnbonanza

After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.

@KKAlThani

Kristen Stewart always looks like she just found out she was adopted.

@roxiqt

ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie

THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?

ME: Oh yeah

@roggyie

My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white

@Marlebean

Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues