@quintywinties

Hello darkness my old friend, I fell and broke the lamp again

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@brynnester

[Driving Lesson]
“You’ve been learning a few weeks now”
Me:Yes
“Progress has been slow”
Me:Yes
“Perhaps it’s time you sat up front with me?”

@DrakeGatsby

Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.

Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.

@InternetHippo

due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police

@iinkedZombie

[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.

@lilgapeach30

Make fun of my footy pajamas if you must, but all you naked sleepers are gonna be up shit creek if your house catches on fire in the night.

@senorwinces

Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.

@AnkCoupleTO

Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?

Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.

@TribalSpaceCat

PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?

@underchilde

I was sad nobody would go jogging with me, so I threw a rock at my neighbor, and when he started chasing me I felt much better.

@justokpanda

Even the muddiest puddle reflects the beauty of the sky if you look at it from the right angle. I fell in 5 puddles today verifying this,