Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
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In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
so i’m at the stock market right
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.