Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
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An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u