Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
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I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Milk Cube
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
The cashier just checked me out.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.