Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
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*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
This is amazing.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…