HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
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‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.