@Dawn_M_

HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.

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@weinerdog4life

The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks

@UnfilteredMama

My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.

@Lalaw143

I’m currently in a very serious relationship ,we don’t even smile .

@angibangie

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?

Him: no. not like that.

@infinitesimull

Twitter is proof that 1000 monkeys on 1000 typewriters will not eventually write anything close to Shakespeare.

@DrakeGatsby

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?

@scottthetwat

I received 10 pounds of pot in the mail by mistake. So I did the right thing and called the police to come pick up all 4 pounds.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a seabird.

Puffin: can I fly?

God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?

Puffin: oh good.

God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?

Puffin: I know right? lol.

Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.

@itspaigealena

me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast