@Dawn_M_

HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.

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@joanwilsonorg

Just for the record … the medical term for injecting disinfectants into the body is called “embalming”.

@yaboybillnye

WTF VAMPIRE BATS WILL VOMIT BLOOD INTO MOUTHS OF SICK BATS 2 KEEP THEM ALIVE THATS DOPE AF & STILL A BETTER LOVESTORY THAN TWILIGHT

@gerryhatric

Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?

@Aspersioncast

So what do you pack for the end of the world? I’m thinking lots of toilet paper, oh and guns to protect my toilet paper.

@ashleyaustrew

First time your kid gets a bday party invite: Awww!

Second time: Oh, another one?

Third time: MAKE ANY MORE FRIENDS AND YOU’RE GROUNDED.

@jordan_stratton

*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.

@RealSudoNim

One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.

@amydillon

My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.

Thanks, royal baby.

@fro_vo

Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY