@iwearaonesie

“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”

– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out

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@just1fool

I just watched one bird chase another bird from tree to tree for five minutes.

It was probably over a stolen tweet.

@jobless4eyes

Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.

@Schmoodles

Someone at work asked if I’d listened to any good books lately, and now I’ve got a body to dispose of. 🙁

@FrazzleMyGimp

[Home Depot staff meeting]

BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?

ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.

@vodkachrome

My next relationship will be with someone who thinks “Wine” is a perfectly acceptable answer when he asks what’s for dinner.

@TacoStamp1

Damn my stomach is making really weird noises…I’m gonna go ahead and send a donut down there to check things out.