Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
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Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
“FOR SALE: blender, like new. Does NOT make things taste like crayons
ALSO FOR SALE: wax fruit, slightly scratched.”
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Wasn’t that adorable?!
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
“Tens of Thousands of Ants Killed”, reads the headline of Ant Daily newspaper every single day. It is hard to be an ant.
WWII was just all the people w/ time machines who went back in time to kill hitler fighting the time travelers who wanted to protect hitler