“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
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sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
*has no idea what a book even is*
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction