I just watched one bird chase another bird from tree to tree for five minutes.
It was probably over a stolen tweet.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
You Might Also Like
Oceanography is all about current events
All the time.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Someone at work asked if I’d listened to any good books lately, and now I’ve got a body to dispose of. 🙁
I bet Fred Flintstone wishes he had a Fitbit.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
My next relationship will be with someone who thinks “Wine” is a perfectly acceptable answer when he asks what’s for dinner.
Damn my stomach is making really weird noises…I’m gonna go ahead and send a donut down there to check things out.