Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
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Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?