Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
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My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.