Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them

reverse psychology? that’ll never work

One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning

Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”

Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.

ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”

ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”

My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.

“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..

God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE

*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*

Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.

Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.

this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.

Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.

Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.

*me to my dog.

Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM

Invisible Hands Adam: shit

One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.

The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.

My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy

“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”

Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.

#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes

You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.

Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.

4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.

I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.

I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.

I painted today

Everyone complimented me on my turtle

It was a bird, I painted a bird