Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
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Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
How do dragons blow out candles?
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”