@iamspacegirl

hello I cannot come to work today I’m thinking about sad ghost pigeons slowly sinking down through the statues they loved to sit on in life.

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@RapFavorites

During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.

His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”

#FreeRocky

@lildandeli0n

If I get killed, would you make my chalk outline slimmer? Thanks.

@TheMichaelRock

HR: Did you tell Brenda she was stupid?

Me: Oh god no! I said she is stupid.

HR…

Me: There’s no past tense with that one.

@3sunzzz

What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.

What I heard: You should go shopping.

@onyxaminedlife

Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time

@Brianhopecomedy

How my 7 year old plays board games:

Rolls a 6.

Counts to 6.

Moves his piece wherever he wants.

@BlairLoudly

A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.

@MissNaughty1801

The worst thing about finding out Santa isn’t real is that you realise it was your parents who were to blame for all the terrible presents

@Gupton68

Server: Congratulations, ma’am

Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?

S: Your husband said you’re eating for two

M: Oh she’s not pregnant

W: I despise you