Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
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Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
The “baby” on the left….
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend