Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
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When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?